Affirmations 080822

This was originally written on August 22, 2008:

080822

I don't want to be an asshole.
I want to be a nice person.
I want to be a person people respect,
But I don't want to care whether they respect me or not.
I want to be in control of my emotions,
But I want them to live.
I want to KNOW that this world is my world, too.
I don't want to live by other people's standards.
I want to enjoy myself no matter what.
I want to love myself no matter what.
I do not want to live by other people's standards.
I want to be free from emotional addiction.
I want to be able to help people no matter what their problem.
I think I want to expand the minds, the hearts, and the strength of men.
I want to feel like I appreciate and enjoy my things.
I do not want to deny the reality of my thoughts.
I do not want to care about who someone thinks I am.
I do not want to care that they know a me that might
Be different than the me I am now.
I do not want to be lazy.
I do not want to procrastinate.
I want to be loving and understanding of myself.
I do not want to hurt myself.
I want to know and understand and feel the reality of the things I discover.
I want to live a life, but it doesn't really matter.
I want to help people in all the ways that nobody could help me.
I want to show people their own existence.
I do not want my objectives in any matter to be
To throw it in the face of someone.
I don't want to remember things based on what they felt like afterward.
I want to know that it's okay to not know the meaning or purpose
Of my life and OF life.
I want to not be so fargone.
I want this thing to help someone,
And I don't want me writing it to be my ego.
I don't want to become egotistical when I think about egotism.
I want to feel like I am loved.
I don't want to want to feel like I am loved.
If I am loved, I want to feel like I appreciate it,
Like I want to feel when I'm longing for love.
I want to live the true life.
I want to feel no obligation to be affected by something that
Other people are affected by.
I want to feel and know my existence and my love for myself at all times.
I want to love my world.
I don't want to care about status.
I don't want to care about impressing girls.
I don't want to care about impressing the woman of my dreams.
I don't want to have to ask people questions to know what's bothering them.
I don't want to cater to people's emotions.
I will not be anybody's entertainment.
I don't want to feel bad when I'm not entertaining to someone.
I don't want girls to like me only when I'm pissed and I hate them.
I don't want to pursue a woman just to have sex with her so I can
Feel cool for a couple days but know underneath that nobody gives a shit,
Including me.
If I have sex with another woman I want it to be making love.
I want to be able to show men that getting laid is overrated,
And that they don't have to prove their value by getting laid.

A New Blog

People keep telling me I need to start a blog. So here it is, frankensteined out of a couple of old blogs along the same spirit.

I will be posting a lot of backlogged stuff on here. A lot of stuff from facebook discussions. Just raw, as it is, as it was, and as it will be. Deal with it.

I doubt that I'll keep up with this very well until about 2016.

Loneliness

I'm writing this so that people who have never experienced this can know what it's like. I want you to imagine that you are this person and this is your life. Compare it to what you have. Be thankful that you don't live this life, but understand that there are people in this world who have to deal with it every single day of their life. Know that those people are dealing with it today. Yes, this is very much a "first world problem", and we all have plenty to be thankful for-- you just need to understand that, for certain people, this really does happen. I hope this will encourage you to broaden your social periphery, and consider including people you normally would automatically exclude. We all need to grow beyond high school, grade school, and into adulthood. This is one step. Do you want to know why certain people are so introverted? Why some are suicidal? Do you want to help? Do you want to live in a world of peace and love? The first step is to understand.


Do you know what it's like...

To wake up every morning, check your email, and see nothing in your inbox. At other times, to sit down at your computer and get a rush of hope and excitement because you see a "(1)" or "(2)"--or maybe even a "(5)" or "(6)"--next to your "Inbox" icon. You open your inbox, and as you go down the list, every single message is an automated email subscription, mailing list, or chain mail. You just keep going down; no problem, maybe the next one is someone who cares. But you don't read any of the subject headings until you open the message in an effort to keep the hope alive that one of these messages might be a real person. While you're done reading the second to last email, you hesitate. You don't want to go back to the inbox and see what the last message is. You want to believe that it's a real person who cares. But you know from experience that it very likely is not. As long as you don't look at it, you can still believe it is. You go back to the inbox, open that email. It's not a real person. 5 minutes later you check your email again. Nothing in the inbox.

To talk to and enjoy the company of people at work, school, maybe the gym, and maybe even a bar every now and then, only to have these people never invite you to anything, never respond to your invitation, never hang out with you at any other time.

To offer carpools and rides when people need them the most, and not have anyone take you up on the offer.

To have to walk or take the bus home when you needed a ride because everyone made excuses as to why they can't take you. You're passed by thousands of cars on the way home--not a single one offers you a ride.

You volunteer, help, everyone says "thank you, thank you" "that's interesting" "haha". Then they organize a hang out right in front of your face, are very careful not to acknowledge how you can help, pretend they don't hear you when you offer specific help... You walk away as a test and say "later, good to see you guys", waving goodbye, knowing that if it was just your perception, and they really did want you to be there, they'd say something right then. They say goodbye. You walk away, uninvited.

To fight for what's right, and have nobody back you up. To do the right things, work toward making a better future for everyone, to be considerate and humble, but never receive thanks or recognition.

To spend years working to attract the opposite sex, and accomplishing it, only to be surrounded by people who still don't like you for you. You feel like a used sexual object, when you're not even that kind of person.

To be "friend-zoned" by every woman (or man) you like.

To be there for your female friends when they are down, listening to how they want to be appreciated. They never want to go out with you, they're only around when they don't have a man, and every man they're with is an abusive jerk.

To spend every day knowing that you have to treat people with love and respect because you don't want anyone to go through what you go through every day, while fighting the urge to hate the world and everyone in it for putting you through it every day. You have to give the rest of the world the benefit of the doubt--that this person might actually be just like you. And you have to continue to give that benefit of the doubt even though you may feel like it's never given to you.

To leave your school, quit a job, or move out of the state, and not have a single person contact you, wondering where you went.

To hear your phone vibrate or ring, feel that rush of excitement, "oo, who's calling?"... You pick up the phone and it's just a reminder alarm. A reminder that the only attention you get is from yourself.

Or to pick up the phone to see that it's your Mother, or a bill collector. Feeling like your mother is your only friend who loves you for who you are.

To have some of your closest friends never invite you to hang out. Because they think you're "too busy", "wouldn't have been interested" or some other lame assumptive excuse.



This is something we all go through. You want to live in a loving world? A new, awakened paradigm? Stop this now. Every one of us must individually take responsibility for the culture we live in. Every day, talk to one of these people. Don't shut people out because you don't think they're "cool". Don't let yourself make assumptions and excuses for why you're treating someone a certain way. You know you do it. We're all guilty. Do you regularly host parties? Who do you invite? Who do you not invite? And what are your excuses? What if you came to work the next morning and found out that person had committed suicide?

I know the value of being genuine. I know sometimes the struggle of, "do I invite the people I only genuinely want to spend time with, at the risk of excluding others and hurting their feelings, or do I invite even some I'm not a huge fan of, at the risk of lying to them with my actions?" The right answer to this question, I think, is to do both, at different times, and in different ways. Be social and include everyone in public, but gather with your close friends at home. The challenge is not inviting them, the challenge is the possibility that your assumption about these people was wrong. I'm sure you can think of more ways to accommodate both sides of this paradox.