I really don't like the fact that this is the thesis statement to this situation right now. I would rather Kirk get better or me get better (or both) than for Kirk to just disappear. Below I chose to work out my annoyance, in the moment, with words. Kirk is the husband of my mother and the father to one of my brothers.
-----
Why it's so much better when Kirk is not here.
Noise Distraction
The TV is not on all the time. In fact, it's rarely on.
All of kirk's loud beeps and email alert sounds and mobile games noises are gone.
Nobody is constantly walking in and out of the front door, totally distracting and fucking up the energy. I started writing this noise section when he walked out the door, and he just walked back in.
No noise from the ice machine in the fridge.
No beeps from the fridge.
Nobody downstairs constantly talking to the goddamn cats.
He just walked out the door again. All of the above happened since he walked in.
Nobody on long conference calls on speakerphone with no regard for the rest of the house (won't keep the conversation inside his downstairs office).
Nobody bringing their work into the living room, where the whole house can hear it.
Nobody drunk grumbling under their voice about how stupid everyone in the house is.
No tension
Nobody whose natural state is "asshole".
No Bad energy
No addicts --a beep on his goddamn phone just now-- in the house. Alcohol, cigarettes, television, distractions.
Nobody who's going to tell you you're wrong, even though they've already tried a million times. And some of those issues, you actually agree with, but they still wanna shove their opinion about it down your throat anyways. No escape. And it's about the same 6 topics every time.
I can't get any work done in this house because of Kirk. He just came back from a three day work trip, and it was the most productive, peaceful time my mother, my brother, and I have had while I've been living here. I had no idea just how much this one boorish alpha male douchebag was destroying my productivity and the progress I'm trying to make in my life. It's no wonder I never feel like I'm getting anything done. My desk and bed are in a large landing area upstairs where I can hear everything going on downstairs unless it's in the downstairs bedroom. And when I say everything, I mean whispers, too.
--he just walked in again--
Honestly, what the fuck?
Why do people live their lives this way?
--beep, crack-crack-crack (fridge and ice)--
--door, he just walked out again--
Every night I am tempted to just go downstairs and lock the door behind him. But even then, if I wasn't distracted by the pressure and guilt, I'm sure there would be plenty of loud noise on the other side of that door, phones ringing, and fights to be hashed.
(3 min of no typing, no distractions, just thinking)
The same situation happened to me when I was living with my father in New Braunfels. The sort of "last straw" where I felt like it was absolutely essential that I get my own place asap, by any means, was the fact that my environment there was so distracting that I couldn't get anything done. My father has a similar ailment, but I think the reasons for my distraction were different. He was distracting, but not nearly as often as Kirk. The quarters were smaller and I was sharing a bedroom/office with my father AND high school brother (from another mother). I could've easily judged that book by it's cover, but I didn't.
Which brings me to my point. Somehow I feel like both situations have been my responsibility. --beep from a phone, how poetic-- Most of the time the godforsaken devices beep when he's not even in the house! I don't even want to know when he's in the house or not! I don't want to keep track of that! But I feel like I have no choice.
Anyways, my responsibility. It's my reality, I'm the one getting distracted, I'm the one with the ambition in this house. I've never been great at tuning things out, but there's gotta be a way to focus in spite of these distractions. I know within me that I have the ability to pursue my dreams no matter what is going on around me. Because everything I need is in me. Honestly, how could I let a few sounds throw me off so much? It seems like they shouldn't have that much power.
Sure, I've been developing my second chakra and it's making me very empathetic, but I should be able to control that, too. I believe I can. I've got to be able to --BLEEP (another device)-- not let someone else's prison imprison me. It honestly doesn't seem like it would be that hard when I think about it. It's kinda ridiculous. I mean how would I ever work in a group or office with other people if I'm so easily distracted. I think I'm more distracted by egotistically clueless people because I'm so opposite of that, and I have such hatred for that level of dishonesty. I just wanna destroy that ego so bad! It's like I pimple, I just wanna pop it. But you can't go around jamming your fingers into self-conscious people's faces screaming, "Jailbreak!"
So I forgive myself for being so fixated on some egos and distracted perhaps energetically by someone's personal prison. I love me for being so about truth and honesty that dishonest egos stick out like a faded pink Mitsubishi.
--just walked back in, fridge, crack, and lets bang the fuck out of everything while we make a snack for ourselves--
(Wrote some stuff on facebook celebrating my acceptance into an art show (https://www.facebook.com/events/1435820823392739/))
--Kirk has walked in and out 3 times, is now inside, now garage door is closing, can't take off his flipflops at the door so now I have to hear his every footstep, whispers to cats, bangs shit around, I assume he's going to bed--
(more fb)
--beep-le-beep--
OK, finishing this up. I am in control of this. I am balanced--well, capable of balancing--against a storm of opposition so long as I pursue truth and life in full faith and love. I will endure. I will be alive. I will succeed no matter what.
And I will own a 1967 Ferrari 250 GTO someday.
Showing posts with label affirmation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label affirmation. Show all posts
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Cheap Prosthetic Limbs; The Info Age Offers Hope for the World
(TL;DR at bottom)
http://garbimba.com/2015/02/19-year-old-who-built-a-350-robotic-arm-teaches-you-how-to-build-it-free/
People wonder why I am so bitter. I've been called a "hater" many times. I've argued against that, but I'm really trying to cleanse myself of that behavior right now and become a more positive person. But this is why it's so difficult for me. I knew about this technology and about how cheaply it could be made when I first ever heard about prosthetic limbs and learned how much they cost. My father and grandfather were inventors, I studied to be an engineer for a while, and my entire life revolves around learning everything and figuring out the impossible problems. So when I heard, and hear, that the standard price for a prosthetic limb can be 6 figures, it takes everything in me not to go absolutely fucking apeshit with anger.
I'm like Bruce Banter; peaceful scientist who just wants to figure shit out and help the world, who believes in so much. He wants to cure the evil. But when so many do not, and stand in his way of helping, for no good reason, he flips out and turns into the Hulk, instead attempting to destroy the evil, with little regard to collateral damage. My philosophy name (like a rap name) happens to be "Destroyer of Knowledge". "Hater of Haters". "Bitter Bemoaner of Bitterness".
It's hard for me not to be angry because I know what we are capable of, I know what is possible, and perhaps more pertinently, I know what we've already done (and btw, what this kid did, had already been done several times with older tech). But people don't believe in anything. Money? They fight each other, they put each other down, companies and governments suppress innovation and consolidate power... This is the third or fourth time we have had electric cars in this country--Tesla is not the first; just the first to not get erased from existence by big oil and big auto, but I respect them for choosing such a defiant name. There's just so much useless hate. And in my foolishness, I respond to it with more hate.
I am not a terrorist, but I tell you honestly that I can sympathize with a certain brand of terrorist. Because I feel so powerless, useless, against a world that is against everything I stand for. I have fantasized about watching an entire building of some evil corporation explode. I have sworn to myself that if I ever meet certain individuals in real life that I will thrust my fist straight into their face. I've even thought about hanging myself in a place where people would notice and the scene would make an important statement. These aren't acts of hate so much as they are feelings of desperation. I would never do any of those things. I've only raised my hand to another human being twice, in self defense in a bad neighborhood (and I was punished for it, btw). It's emotions. I feel completely powerless. It's like the world is against LIFE, so if I want to live, I have to fight for it. I hate fighting, so I hate the world.
I have seen people in my life who stand for love and spread that love message, but I just don't see them making a big impact, compared to the hate. People don't listen. I don't listen. And when I do spread a message of love, people don't seem to hear it. Maybe I'm not paying attention. Maybe I can bring some innovation to the "love strategy". Maybe I should pay more attention to my heroes like Martin Luther King Jr, Burzynski, Aaron Swartz, Elon Musk, Ensemble Studios, Jesus... The love that the close friends in my life have given me is very precious, but maybe I'm underestimating the impact those small instances have on the bigger picture.
I feel like I can't even write this candid post--which could be a reassuring, cathartic, empowering read for many--without losing out on job opportunities, getting harassed by the TSA at the airport, losing business, or being judged as "unfriendable" and "undateable". But I'm doing it anyways because I choose to live my life and fulfill my purpose. Not the right time or place? Maybe the right time and place is when you feel it.
TL;DR:
My current theory is this: it's not love or hate that will change the world, but truth. There is a time and place for both love and hate. But it does a person no good to live in hate. The individual should live in love for the sake of life. Whatever life they can claim or create, it comes from love. Perhaps lies are the only thing worth hating--but really we should love them for forcing us to grow and explore our minds. We are in the information age, so the truth will come out, even if it has to be re-discovered, like with this prosthetic. I think we will work our way out of our big problems because of it. From these recent observations, like the prosthetic limb, my faith has grown. I am so deeply thankful for the progress I am observing, and the potential that is emerging. It's very subtle, but it's very much there. We are laying the foundation for real growth in the next epoch of human existence. Digging the well toward the water of new life. The human spirit is truly undying. It is clear to me now that our progress is an unstoppable force. And from this mental place I will continue to grow my faith and love. I'm really starting to feel like the world can take care of itself and my ego can take a rest (permanently, please). I cannot wait to see what my generation does in my lifetime. I will focus at ease on my part. And I hope if you're reading this, you'll be around for everything.
Sincerely,
Salvatore
http://garbimba.com/2015/02/19-year-old-who-built-a-350-robotic-arm-teaches-you-how-to-build-it-free/
People wonder why I am so bitter. I've been called a "hater" many times. I've argued against that, but I'm really trying to cleanse myself of that behavior right now and become a more positive person. But this is why it's so difficult for me. I knew about this technology and about how cheaply it could be made when I first ever heard about prosthetic limbs and learned how much they cost. My father and grandfather were inventors, I studied to be an engineer for a while, and my entire life revolves around learning everything and figuring out the impossible problems. So when I heard, and hear, that the standard price for a prosthetic limb can be 6 figures, it takes everything in me not to go absolutely fucking apeshit with anger.
I'm like Bruce Banter; peaceful scientist who just wants to figure shit out and help the world, who believes in so much. He wants to cure the evil. But when so many do not, and stand in his way of helping, for no good reason, he flips out and turns into the Hulk, instead attempting to destroy the evil, with little regard to collateral damage. My philosophy name (like a rap name) happens to be "Destroyer of Knowledge". "Hater of Haters". "Bitter Bemoaner of Bitterness".
It's hard for me not to be angry because I know what we are capable of, I know what is possible, and perhaps more pertinently, I know what we've already done (and btw, what this kid did, had already been done several times with older tech). But people don't believe in anything. Money? They fight each other, they put each other down, companies and governments suppress innovation and consolidate power... This is the third or fourth time we have had electric cars in this country--Tesla is not the first; just the first to not get erased from existence by big oil and big auto, but I respect them for choosing such a defiant name. There's just so much useless hate. And in my foolishness, I respond to it with more hate.
I am not a terrorist, but I tell you honestly that I can sympathize with a certain brand of terrorist. Because I feel so powerless, useless, against a world that is against everything I stand for. I have fantasized about watching an entire building of some evil corporation explode. I have sworn to myself that if I ever meet certain individuals in real life that I will thrust my fist straight into their face. I've even thought about hanging myself in a place where people would notice and the scene would make an important statement. These aren't acts of hate so much as they are feelings of desperation. I would never do any of those things. I've only raised my hand to another human being twice, in self defense in a bad neighborhood (and I was punished for it, btw). It's emotions. I feel completely powerless. It's like the world is against LIFE, so if I want to live, I have to fight for it. I hate fighting, so I hate the world.
I have seen people in my life who stand for love and spread that love message, but I just don't see them making a big impact, compared to the hate. People don't listen. I don't listen. And when I do spread a message of love, people don't seem to hear it. Maybe I'm not paying attention. Maybe I can bring some innovation to the "love strategy". Maybe I should pay more attention to my heroes like Martin Luther King Jr, Burzynski, Aaron Swartz, Elon Musk, Ensemble Studios, Jesus... The love that the close friends in my life have given me is very precious, but maybe I'm underestimating the impact those small instances have on the bigger picture.
I feel like I can't even write this candid post--which could be a reassuring, cathartic, empowering read for many--without losing out on job opportunities, getting harassed by the TSA at the airport, losing business, or being judged as "unfriendable" and "undateable". But I'm doing it anyways because I choose to live my life and fulfill my purpose. Not the right time or place? Maybe the right time and place is when you feel it.
TL;DR:
My current theory is this: it's not love or hate that will change the world, but truth. There is a time and place for both love and hate. But it does a person no good to live in hate. The individual should live in love for the sake of life. Whatever life they can claim or create, it comes from love. Perhaps lies are the only thing worth hating--but really we should love them for forcing us to grow and explore our minds. We are in the information age, so the truth will come out, even if it has to be re-discovered, like with this prosthetic. I think we will work our way out of our big problems because of it. From these recent observations, like the prosthetic limb, my faith has grown. I am so deeply thankful for the progress I am observing, and the potential that is emerging. It's very subtle, but it's very much there. We are laying the foundation for real growth in the next epoch of human existence. Digging the well toward the water of new life. The human spirit is truly undying. It is clear to me now that our progress is an unstoppable force. And from this mental place I will continue to grow my faith and love. I'm really starting to feel like the world can take care of itself and my ego can take a rest (permanently, please). I cannot wait to see what my generation does in my lifetime. I will focus at ease on my part. And I hope if you're reading this, you'll be around for everything.
Sincerely,
Salvatore
Monday, November 3, 2014
Affirmations 080822
This was originally written on August 22, 2008:
080822
I don't want to be an asshole.
I want to be a nice person.
I want to be a person people respect,
But I don't want to care whether they respect me or not.
I want to be in control of my emotions,
But I want them to live.
I want to KNOW that this world is my world, too.
I don't want to live by other people's standards.
I want to enjoy myself no matter what.
I want to love myself no matter what.
I do not want to live by other people's standards.
I want to be free from emotional addiction.
I want to be able to help people no matter what their problem.
I think I want to expand the minds, the hearts, and the strength of men.
I want to feel like I appreciate and enjoy my things.
I do not want to deny the reality of my thoughts.
I do not want to care about who someone thinks I am.
I do not want to care that they know a me that might
Be different than the me I am now.
I do not want to be lazy.
I do not want to procrastinate.
I want to be loving and understanding of myself.
I do not want to hurt myself.
I want to know and understand and feel the reality of the things I discover.
I want to live a life, but it doesn't really matter.
I want to help people in all the ways that nobody could help me.
I want to show people their own existence.
I do not want my objectives in any matter to be
To throw it in the face of someone.
I don't want to remember things based on what they felt like afterward.
I want to know that it's okay to not know the meaning or purpose
Of my life and OF life.
I want to not be so fargone.
I want this thing to help someone,
And I don't want me writing it to be my ego.
I don't want to become egotistical when I think about egotism.
I want to feel like I am loved.
I don't want to want to feel like I am loved.
If I am loved, I want to feel like I appreciate it,
Like I want to feel when I'm longing for love.
I want to live the true life.
I want to feel no obligation to be affected by something that
Other people are affected by.
I want to feel and know my existence and my love for myself at all times.
I want to love my world.
I don't want to care about status.
I don't want to care about impressing girls.
I don't want to care about impressing the woman of my dreams.
I don't want to have to ask people questions to know what's bothering them.
I don't want to cater to people's emotions.
I will not be anybody's entertainment.
I don't want to feel bad when I'm not entertaining to someone.
I don't want girls to like me only when I'm pissed and I hate them.
I don't want to pursue a woman just to have sex with her so I can
Feel cool for a couple days but know underneath that nobody gives a shit,
Including me.
If I have sex with another woman I want it to be making love.
I want to be able to show men that getting laid is overrated,
And that they don't have to prove their value by getting laid.
080822
I don't want to be an asshole.
I want to be a nice person.
I want to be a person people respect,
But I don't want to care whether they respect me or not.
I want to be in control of my emotions,
But I want them to live.
I want to KNOW that this world is my world, too.
I don't want to live by other people's standards.
I want to enjoy myself no matter what.
I want to love myself no matter what.
I do not want to live by other people's standards.
I want to be free from emotional addiction.
I want to be able to help people no matter what their problem.
I think I want to expand the minds, the hearts, and the strength of men.
I want to feel like I appreciate and enjoy my things.
I do not want to deny the reality of my thoughts.
I do not want to care about who someone thinks I am.
I do not want to care that they know a me that might
Be different than the me I am now.
I do not want to be lazy.
I do not want to procrastinate.
I want to be loving and understanding of myself.
I do not want to hurt myself.
I want to know and understand and feel the reality of the things I discover.
I want to live a life, but it doesn't really matter.
I want to help people in all the ways that nobody could help me.
I want to show people their own existence.
I do not want my objectives in any matter to be
To throw it in the face of someone.
I don't want to remember things based on what they felt like afterward.
I want to know that it's okay to not know the meaning or purpose
Of my life and OF life.
I want to not be so fargone.
I want this thing to help someone,
And I don't want me writing it to be my ego.
I don't want to become egotistical when I think about egotism.
I want to feel like I am loved.
I don't want to want to feel like I am loved.
If I am loved, I want to feel like I appreciate it,
Like I want to feel when I'm longing for love.
I want to live the true life.
I want to feel no obligation to be affected by something that
Other people are affected by.
I want to feel and know my existence and my love for myself at all times.
I want to love my world.
I don't want to care about status.
I don't want to care about impressing girls.
I don't want to care about impressing the woman of my dreams.
I don't want to have to ask people questions to know what's bothering them.
I don't want to cater to people's emotions.
I will not be anybody's entertainment.
I don't want to feel bad when I'm not entertaining to someone.
I don't want girls to like me only when I'm pissed and I hate them.
I don't want to pursue a woman just to have sex with her so I can
Feel cool for a couple days but know underneath that nobody gives a shit,
Including me.
If I have sex with another woman I want it to be making love.
I want to be able to show men that getting laid is overrated,
And that they don't have to prove their value by getting laid.
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