The Difference Between Tolerance and Love

Credit to Reddit user, thesockbunny

The difference is one word: Pursuit.

If you have a friend who never initiates contact with you, I don't think you can call that person a friend. Because that's not love. But it might be tolerance.

Have you ever had a friend who says that they love you so much and think of you so often and they seem so genuine, but as soon as you walk away from them, it's as if you never existed? A friend who never calls, texts, sends an email, or even mentions you on facebook? But maybe they seem so genuinely true and real when you have their attention? The one who's only there when you put yourself in front of them? Yeah, that's not love. That's tolerance. And I don't think its a real friend.

I've read about the 5 love languages--I know everyone has their way of feeling loved, and everyone has their ways of showing love that they're good at or comfortable with. I think the 5 love languages theory has true merit. But there's one love "language" everyone has in common, and it wasn't mentioned in that book: everyone wants to feel wanted.

How do you make someone feel wanted? Pursuit. Initiate contact. You just ask for them. You call them by name, you seek them out, you send them a text or give them a call... You feel wanted when someone--one way or another--invites you into their life. You feel wanted when someone sends you a text for no reason. Just to say hi, see how you're doing, or share a laugh.

When we feel genuine love for someone, we want to share it with them. Initiating contact with that person is natural and healthy. Both as a desire and an action.

So, while you might think, "maybe that person is just not comfortable with using the 'words of affirmation' love language," it's not that simple. In fact, what I have found is that these people are usually extremely loving with their words when you have their attention. And when confronted with the situation, they use a lot of words to try to prove their love. But every time, YOU have to get THEIR attention. You have to put yourself in front of them. And after all the conversation about the issue, they still don't initiate contact.

And don't get me started on the friends that get on your case because you haven't called them with an update on your life. As if it's your duty to keep them abreast by way of their own personal daily digest.

Here's what I think. When this is happening, one of three things must be true:

1) The person doesn't love you, doesn't like you, and doesn't want you in their life, but can't admit it to you or themselves.

2) They really do love you, but they don't want the responsibility or accountability that a real friendship requires. In other words, they want one-way relationships. And they want to be on the receiving end. They also don't appreciate the responsibility they have to be honest with people, especially friends.

3) They really do love you, maybe they really do want a relationship with you, but they simply don't have time for you. Usually these people have so many friends it's a sin. They're very genuine and loving, but they don't know how to say "no".

In all cases, being in a friendship with that person is very unhealthy. Because it's not a real friendship. Especially if the person isn't willing to acknowledge or work on these issues with you.

So what should you do in a culture where this kind of broken entitlement is so common? Sit back, fold your arms and say, "fuck it, I'll wait for someone to pursue me"? Hah! Don't make me laugh. No, don't do that. Why? Because it's the most socially irresponsible solution. And you would end up doing to everyone what all the people who have hurt you did to you. And you already know you can't create real friendships out of that, right? So don't go thinking you should never pursue. Giving up even more social responsibility is exactly how to screw up the world even more. Don't be a part of the problem.

Here's my philosophy so far:

If you're grieving from some love pain, take some time for yourself. Don't pursue anyone but you. Grieve. But don't grieve for too long. Heal, but be eager to get back up and then point your energy and love to the people who you know will give it back. Always be willing to initiate contact the first time. Even the first few times. Give new people an honest chance to come around. Just don't ever let it go nearly as far as you did with these other people. I'm thinking, don't initiate more than 3 times with a new person if they have not yet initiated back. If they still haven't, take that energy you have for them, and give it instead to people you know love you for real. You'll forget about the first person in no time.

I think the trick is to cut yourself off early, but never stop believing--never stop trying to make new friends. This alone is may not be the key to world peace, but I think it's part of the solution.

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Some Epilogue thoughts:

I'm a Christian, but it is not at all surprising to me that this is happening in a culture that is so rooted in Christian religiousness. Religiousness. Ya know, one of the big things that the Bible and most "religious" texts actually warn against. Doing whatever you want and never taking responsibility. Surrounding yourself with people that buy into the same denial that you do, who have all the right answers but none of the actions to back it up. Their words say one thing, their actions say another, and anyone who points it out is stupid. This is very religious behavior of the Christian flavor. My friends who were church leaders were among the most un-loving, "tolerant" friends I've ever had.

I also wonder what applications this train of thought has for understanding race issues in the US. I mean, England was way worse when it came to slavery, and yet their country has grieved through it, and the black community there seems fine. Correct me if I'm wrong, but racism in the US is the worst in the world, when it should be the one place that it isn't an issue at all. Is this why? Is it because we keep pushing for "tolerance" instead of "love"? To speculate further, I wonder if there is a direct connection between the protestant christian foundations of America and race issues today. I think it makes sense, but it would require more research. And I would definitely want to hear more of my black friends thoughts on it before I made any confident claims.

Another afterthought:
I forgot to mention a very important part of this topic often times these "friends" will drop everything to help you if you are dying--if you're in a crisis of some kind. That can't count for nothing. But I don't like it. Because it smells like they're only helping because if they don't, then they're definitely NOT your friend. If they do help, they can always use it as a sort of ultimate proof of their friendship, even though they never seem to care about you when you're not throwing yourself in front of them. But here's the fundamental core of why that kind of behavior is wrong and unhealthy: Any health or medicinal practitioner of any kind will tell you that the best treatment is prevention. Too often, these crises could have been easily avoided had the victim had a healthy, actively-in-their-life circle of friends. Friends that might have helped this person identify and avoid a problematic situation in advance, or kept them from falling into a downward spiral of suicidal thoughts. Even on a metaphysical level, surrounding a person with active positivity only does good things for their life and keeps them away from crises.

In other words, a real friend is not the one who's only there for you at the last minute when you're about to die; a real friend is the one who keeps you miles away from death by being an active, regular part of your life.